Ella's Stocking

With both my last pregnancies, I had Cholestasis of Pregnancy. Cholestasis of pregnancy is very serious, it's rare and there's so much ignorance that goes with it, nurses often said things like, "oh you have ICP, that makes you itchy." I often calmly told them, " yes, it makes me itchy, but it can kill my baby." I didn't want them to think I took my diagnosis lightly. Basically the bile acids in your body build up causing you to itch and that's it for the mama.  Trust me though you Itch like crazy but the scariest thing is it can cause your baby to be stillborn if you go beyond 37 weeks into your pregnancy. They don't really know why, but your body is poisoning your baby.


This time last year I was pregnant with Ella and the itching had just started, it didn't come on gradually for me, it was more like one day I just started scratching so hard my skin would bleed.  I remember going to Target when everything was 90% off  (just a few days after the itching started) to buy stockings for the next year and I almost didn't get a stocking for Ella because I was afraid. Afraid she wouldn't be here for the next Christmas. Afraid of bringing down that box of discounted Christmas decorations the next year and pulling out the stocking for Ella, and breaking down because the treatment didn't work or because I wasn't induced in time. I didn't want to buy something that could possibly be a symbol of someone I wanted so badly but lost so early.


I stood there with three stockings, arguing with myself, debating, and I did, I put one back. As stood in line to pay, I told myself to listen to my mom and stay positive. I walked all the way back from the register and grabbed it and bought that stocking. I had my baby shower, I bought Ella all the cute little things I had been eyeing, I took maternity pictures and I tried to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could and now she's here safe.  I know my positive thinking wasn't the only factor that helped her come here safe, I know it was god, medical intervention and so much more.  I also know every outcome with ICP isn't always like mine. There's so many moms with ICP who lose their baby and it's heart breaking and I hurt for them. I am so fortunate to have all three of my beautiful children, and truthfully, I cried so much when I put up Ella's stocking up, from just the joy of being able to hang it up and having it .


Of course with three little's, now I can post all kinds of cheesy matching Christmas pictures.